So I am pregnant. Which is exciting, but also... terrifying. And those hormones I thought couldn't have been as bad as I remembered? They're back. Pray for my husband because crazy & irrational are flying around our house at warp speed, followed by equally intense sister emotions; remorse & self-loathing. For those of you who are counting this is pregnancy four, which kind of feels like forty, especially with a hernia... & 2 wild boys... & homeschool... & a still kind-of newish house... & life. (Life can be hard.) Ben & I were talking and we realized this is our 3rd pregnancy in 4 years of marriage. That's, like, lapping the Duggars, am I right? It's a little intense when I think about it. I try not to think about it too much because it's scary & I start to want to purge my closet of all of my long skirts.
There's a baby, though, & this baby is Healthy!! Huge sigh of relief there! We lost our baby, Hope, in November, which was wretched & heartbreaking, faith-strengthening & unforgettable. I have been writing a post about her for a while now, but it's a slow-go. God moved mountains in our heartbreak & loss, & I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in the world, but, still, to sit & recount & write it down... for others to read, it takes more time & energy than I would have thought. All of this to say, that yes, life is hard, but it also beautiful.
Oh, &(!) we are having a problem with insects(!!!), which is The Worst Thing Ever to happen to a pregnant woman. Torture. We've seen, like, 4 bugs, which in normal human brain=not a super, big deal, , but I'm not sporting a normal human brain anymore. The other night I couldn't fall asleep because I kept thinking bugs were going to crawl in my ear (or worse yet(!), my childrens' ears) and lay their eggs and they'd hatch and and and moving on...
But just as I've been spinning in a whirlwind of nut-so hormones, God has been ever present. Which is nice. Because I've needed Him. When I found out I was pregnant, I was stunned (I didn't think I could have any more babies), & I was anxious. God says don't be anxious, so here I am, feeling all guilty for being anxious. After my 5th miscarriage dream in 3 weeks, I finally contacted an old friend of mine, who loves the Lord & told me when we lost our baby that I could talk to her any time. I sent her a lengthy, rambling, really raw, honest list of my fears, guilts, & worries. She bathed me in prayer, wrapped me in Scripture, & pointed me back to God. My nightmares stopped!! She also suggested I write it all down. I used to write all the time, so I thought I could definitely give that suggestion a go. Here is part of what I wrote on September 3rd:
''This pregnancy is different. Less optimistic, I guess. I want to have hope, & to fall in love, but there's a hesitation – a self-preservation/self-protection going on that I am having a difficult time navigating. Whether I am able to rock, hold, kiss, snuggle, soothe, mother this baby is an unknown. It's not in my control, just as it wasn't with Andrew, Luke & little Hope. I know this is a life, though. Actually, because this is a place for truths, so truth be told... I don't KNOW. I want to know. I want to trust my body & the signs it's giving me, but I think I'll feel much better after I go to the doctor & he tells me everything's fine. When I hear a heartbeat. When I am able to spy on this little one & watch them dance... I'll know this is real.”
At my 1st appointment last week, I was 10 weeks & 4 days, & when the baby appeared on screen, I was stoic. I expected fireworks or something huge, some drastic change in emotions, but I was still, breathless & anxious. I sat there watching for a moment & said “The baby isn't moving...” The doctor laughed & said, “I'm taking measurements, now look...,” he set the ultrasound back to real time, & both the doctor & nurse said in unison, “Your baby is dancing!” God is so big, isn't He? I don't even have words for this, so I will say, now gladly, We are expecting another life to join our family. If they come when expected, we're looking at March 2013 & you're reading the words of a very excited mama. If they go Home before then, my heart will sing God's glory.