We're moving. MOVING! Um... tomorrow.
Since September 2006, we have lived in a (pretty awesome) condo in north Atlanta. It's a garden level unit, with a nice chunk of green space right outside our door,
but it's simply too small. That, & condo living doesn't really fit our family. We want a dog. I want a garden. We want to be able to have friends come over & not have to sit on top of each other, or make everyone whisper when the kids go to bed.
Most importantly? We want to stop sleeping in the living room. Our youngest is a very light sleeper & his crib is in our bedroom. When we roll over, he wakes up. I can honestly say, in 16 months, I have slept through the night 3 times - even with us sleeping in the living room. I don't see how all of those New Yorkers manage a family in 1000sq ft (or less). We're at 1100 & it's just... too small.
1st world problems, right? Yes, well, be that as it may, I am very excited to be moving. Very. What I didn't anticipate, was how little liquor store boxes actually hold when you're trying to cram in a 4person family's belongings.
Or, that once said belongings are packed, how difficult finding matching socks becomes.
It was when I was staring down at my mismatched feet, 2 weeks to the day after we lost our baby, when I finally said... "I don't care. Let it rain. There is nothing a little chaos can do to me now." I accepted that we're going to be disheveled for a little while.
The pain in my heart these past few weeks has been horrendous, & every time I think I might break in two, (as I felt over socks,) God is there to hold me together. He has been my Great Comforter. Recently, He's been helping me relax with our condo & what I'm expecting from myself.
I want my home to be clean & shiny, & if there are dishes out, or debris on the floor, or our table has milk from breakfast on it, I apologize, shamefully. I tend to relate the state of our home to me as a person, my value, & abilities as a wife&mother. (Perhaps it's just the Martha in me.) It was a couple of weeks ago, crying in my kitchen to my incredibly patient husband about not being able to find matching socks, that a peace came over me & I decided worrying about these little things just isn't worth it this season in our lives.
We're moving, we just lost a baby & we have 2 boys - one of whom is home schooled & the other is learning to sign. For the first time ever I do not feel the need to apologize if our condo looks, well, awful. And, yeah, it does.
Not worrying about the way things look, or how tidy things are, has been like a breath of fresh air. I am not going to lie, though - our condo is chaos.
But you know what the Mary in my has discovered about chaos? It can be fun. It's build a ramp out of moving boxes. It's build a fort out of chairs, pillows & blankets. It's making a southern sled. It's not a lot of laundry. It's relaxing on a pull-out sofa, watching episodes of 30Rock back to back whilst surrounded by boxes...
...& not feeling guilty. It's also given Ben & me the chance to sit down, & read the Bible together. We completed an outstanding reading plan on grief (YouVersion) that wouldn't have been possible had we not accepted a little chaos, relaxed a bit & taken the time to listen to God.
And though I am certain I do not want to live like this forever... For now, we are enjoying finding comfort hidden in the chaos.